I Miss My Friends… (PB) (FC)

This is going to be pathetic… so read at your own risk.

You may call me a whiner or a cry baby or ungrateful over-dramatic. Call me what you will but I’m just going to write what’s really on my heart right now. I might be pathetic, but this whole post is the truth. It may seem like a middle school kid of problem… and that’s exactly why I’m so confused.

I miss my friends. I’d like to say that I don’t know where they’ve been or why I miss them. I’d like to say that it’s just because we’re all so busy that there’s no time in the day. I’d like to say that things will be normal again and I know it.

Well I can’t really say any of those things, because they’re not true.

I know where they’ve been. They’ve been having so much fun talking to each other and making plans and going out together. They’ve been having fun doing all of these things with new friends or better friends. They’ve been super busy with other obligations as well. But what happened to me in that mix of fun?

I feel pathetic writing this. I feel so incredibly pathetic and kind of embarrassed. But I feel left out. Some people may be like “whhaaaattt that’s bull!” But it’s not really…

To whom it may concern –

I miss you. I wish you had time for our friendship and the fun times that we have together. I wish that between the craziness of life and the new and other friends that there could still be crazy Erin time. Crazy Erin is going crazy over here listening to her friends make plans during class as they turn her backs to her. I wish that it would cross your mind to include me, but I know that I can’t always be included. It’s just been a very long time since I have been involved and I’m not sure why.

I’m just worn down trying. Trying to initiate contact and forcing a connecting when you all seem reluctant. I feel like I beg to hang out with you, and you’ll typically still say no. It’s pathetic, like this blog post. You can read our text messages if you don’t believe me. This effort is wearing me very thin and I can’t keep on going pretending that you still care about my life or care hang out with me once in blue moon.

We used to spend all day together. We used to spend multiple days together. Now I only see you in class. We used to be spontaneous and go on adventures and do things that made me smile and grew our friendship. Now you’re too busy. We used to have inside jokes and sleepovers. Now I wonder if you remember any of them.

Maybe it’s a part of growing up. But maybe it’s not. Maybe you think you’re more mature than me, and therefore shouldn’t spend your time with me. But maybe you’re not. Maybe you don’t like one of my other friends, you know, the ones who pour effort into our relationship and treat our relationship with importance equivalent to a boyfriend. But maybe you need to learn that we can all be friends by grace. You’re being hurtful. I’ve heard you say things and act ways that I never thought I’d see, especially towards someone that you used to call a best friend.

I’m just a little offended that our friendship meant that little to so many of you. Did I do something wrong? Did I do something to upset you? Where did you go?

And to those of you who HAVE made the effort to be my friend: thank you. I am so incredibly grateful to know who I am important to. It’s nice to have people that talk to me because they care about my life as opposed to when they need something. It’s awesome to know that there are people who would treat a friendship with the same importance that they’d give to a boyfriend. You fight to stay in my life and I’ll always be fighting to stay in yours.

I love you all so dearly; new friends, old friends, bad friends, awesome friends. You’re all my friends and I will continue to pour love onto you because I do. There’s nothing that can stop that. I just wish that you’d realize that you’ve benched me.

LOVE ME.

Love, Erin

Okay I’ll stop being pathetic now.

If someone hangs out with me.

And no… Anna doesn’t count. She just kind of shows up. 😉

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Songwriter at Heart (FC)(PB)

I’ve been slacking.

I kinda feel like I was always supposed to be a songwriter.

Not like a famous one like Taylor Swift or Jason Mraz, but simply one who write songs.

And no, not like orchestral pieces. But lyrical contemporary stuff.

Can you see it? I can see it.

I think I’m supposed to be a songwriter. It’s a good outlet for feelings (ew) and I love love love to make music with my guitar (although it is not where my talent lies) and love love love to sing.

I’ve tried to write songs in the past. They’re stupid and hilarious and embarrassing and I think my sisters made fun of me for them. (I may have made up the last one because the memory is fuzzy, but I think that’s because I repressed it. I do that with bad memories.) I think that I should do something along those lines. Guitar playing really helps to make me feel better. Kind of like a stress and emotional release all at once!

I’ve also always loved to write. I love to blog. I think songwriting is another thing that I’d enjoy writing. Again it’s not something that I think I’d be super talented at but my songwriting wouldn’t be about the quality of talent involved.

My songwriting would be more of a thing for me personally. Kind of like a journal with a tune. How fun! So songwriters who write to become famous, you know, good for them! That wouldn’t be my goal. In fact, I’d probably never let someone see them ever because that’s just how I am. I’m so awkward. So these songs would probably all be awkward as well… which is kind of a bummer.

So songwriting. Maybe. Maybe I will share my songs and become a super star and leave Hockinson forever and become rich and blah blah blah. Maybe. Or maybe I’ll sit at the saturday market in Seattle everyday playing my sad songs hoping that someone will pay for them.. you know? Maybe.

Looking Forward (FC)

Ms. Allyn’s blog inspired me to write about looking to the future. While I’m not looking at it with much certainty or confidence, I’ll take some time to look at it.
My life is different now than it was a couple of years ago, and in a couple years, it will be vastly different yet again. I’m not afraid of the change; change is expected. I’m afraid of how I’ll feel about the changes because I don’t know what they contain.
These past few months have not been my favorite months that have ever happened. As I’m discovering more and more about what I want to do for college, I’m continually left without a way to do it. That’s not my fault but there’s nothing I can do about it. I’m realizing more and more which of my friends care about me and which friends I’ll probably still be talking to a year from now. As depressing as that may sound, it’s true! I’m just being realistic.
Didn’t mean for this to sound negative. On a positive note, I know that those few friends are really really really great friends. While I don’t know if I can do what I’ve always wanted to do after high school, I know I’ll be doing something to be on my own and self-sufficient.
I’m really looking forward to doing life on my own. I’m scared because it’s a rough transition. There are plenty of pros and cons in that transition but in my case, I definitely feel like there are more pros. I think the most difficult thing in this transition is finding a solid / steady income that can support me fully.
But I think it’ll be good for me to take a break from being surrounded by people all of the time and good for me to move for the first time in my whole life. I think something that I’m looking for a lot of right now is change, with a slight case of wanderlust. (ie my hair, my want to drive around, and desire to throw away everything.)
So to conclude, my future looks like it’ll be different than how I always wanted or imagined but good for me either way. This time during senior year is so awkward. You feel me?

So I Uh Really Really Like to Rant (FC)(PB)

It’s good to vent, right? My momma told me that I should vent when I need to vent. So ranting is a good thing… right?

Eh. Probably not.

But that’s alright! Because I’ve seen a lack of ranting and venting to be a very self-depricating thing!! So to me, it’s vent or die.

Today’s rant is about expectant people who like to push their problems onto someone else, and take no credit for them what so ever. Being the president of NHS this year, I have experience a lot of flack from people, simply because I am following the NHS official bi-laws. I’m sure my fellow officers and adviser can attest to this as well. It’s not easy to deal with 70+ students complaining to me about how they’re stressed about different things revolving NHS, their main issue being having 10 “NHS sponsored” hours out of their 20 per semester. I know, it must be really hard to take the 10 NHS hours and fit them into the 3,192 hours of your life that 1 semester includes, but what exactly did you think you were signing up for?

Honestly, that’s what gets me. You signed up for this. That’s the only sentence running through my head when people get concerned. You signed up to be a part of our team and represent our nationally-accredited title; are there no standards? There are standards and that is one of them. I’m sorry, and if you have a problem with that, then maybe this program isn’t for you. (That last line was for you cheerleaders out there. 😉 ) It’s just frustrating that the 4 of us take time out of our lives to plan and attend these events to help our members get out there and do good in the community, and all that we hear back are complaints about how ridiculous the standards have gotten this year. Oh, you only signed up because you want to put it on your college apps? You want it to help you with something and give you leadership connections later on in life? Well, newsflash, it doesn’t do that much. Sure, it looks great to say you were a member and contributed, but how great will it look when you were also removed from the club for failure to complete our bare minimum requirements? NHS doesn’t help you make connections with leaders or give you any resources. The reason to sign up for NHS is to find an outlet for community service. We plan events for you to do, and you do them. That’s the point.

I’m also sorry that NHS is run differently than previous years, but it is run as it should be this year. It’s a big bummer that it’s a little more of a commitment than members originally thought, but it is what it is. If the problem is that they were “unaware” of this “change” in policy, it is not my fault. Or anyone’s fault. The only reason someone should be unaware of our events and updates on various social media and school-wide announcements is because they aren’t a member in NHS. There are a few students who I know do not have Facebook or twitter and cannot always make it to the meetings. While this makes it more difficult for them to obtain information, that is not my responsibility. There are members who have extenuating and valid circumstances that make attending meetings and events extremely difficult.  That’s fine! They seem to be figuring out how to get along. What about those members who ARE on Facebook AND Twitter? Why are you complaining to me? I’m sorry that you joined a club that you don’t really want to be a part of. You can be dismissed if you’d prefer.

So yeah. Not very happy with the lack of commitment from people when they signed up for it. I didn’t ask them to be in this club. They chose it. They’re great kids. They got in. If only they’d do their part. I don’t want to kick anyone out, because that’s awkward and they’re my friends. But would it kill ya to do the bare minimum of what’s required? 

I’m So Determined (FC)

It may come as a shock to some people due to my lack of attendance last year, but I am in band! Not only am I in band, I’m 3rd chair flute in the Wind Ensemble. 3rd chair flute as a senior. My dream come true. On first chair, we have the extremely talented junior, Caty, and on second, the also extremely talented sophomore Brian. Then there’s me, 3rd chair senior.

Going through high school, I’ve learned more and more that band isn’t my forte. I like making music and I thoroughly enjoy most of the people that I have been blessed to be making music with. During my junior year, I was placed in 3rd chair behind 2 seniors and ahead of 2 seniors and sophomore. Needless to say, I was pretty proud of myself. Excited to be a higher chair than before and finally playing first part, I began junior year. Just after our autumn concert, the girl who was the chair below me decided that she wanted that glorious 3rd chair position.

In band, when we aren’t in the chair that we desire, we can challenge the person who is one chair ahead of us. The challenge is this: the two competitors go behind a curtain, they play an identical piece of music in a random order that they’ve have a week or so to prep, and the rest of the band members vote on which sound they believe deserves a higher chair. Sadly, I lost my 3rd chair position during my junior year. But to be completely honest, I was quite alright with that, because band is not my forte and I don’t take it as a personal attack when I am a lower chair.

At the end of junior year, we had auditions for the upcoming year chair placement. When the results were posted, I was excited to see that I was 3rd chair again. My excitement confused many people, because most people want to get 1st chair! But I don’t want to deal with solos or having to play piccolo so I was aiming for 3rd chair. And I got it! YES! Well just this last week, I’ve been challenged yet again, and my oh so glorious 3rd chair might be taken from me.

During my first challenge, I asked Mr. McEnry if I could just give my challenger the spot and he said, “No! That’s no fun!” so I did it. But I didn’t care. This time? This time I care. But it’s not because I care what chair placement I have… it’s much more personal than that. Which is horrible! But so true. The particular girl who is challenging me this year for my glorious 3rd chair absolutely hates me for absolutely no reason and (as I discovered on Monday) has deleted me as a friend on Facebook. Oh man, it got real. I have to beat her! She doesn’t deserve the “honor” that the high placement of 3rd chair brings.

I hope that everyone acknowledges my facetiousness regarding how desired 3rd chair is. 3rd chair is nothing special and yet for some reason, this is the second time someone has tried to take it from me. I honestly don’t get it and could care less about my chair. BUT I don’t want this particular person to be a chair higher than me. Neither does McEnry… he told me he’s rooting for me. 😉

PLEASE don’t think I’m a mean person. lol

We’re All Mean Spirited People Deep Down (FC)

Children are innocent, adorable, and totally hilarious. A young child’s laughter can capture my heart in an instant. I adore hearing kids say the craziest and profound things – it truly delights me. I admire a child’s honest and blunt heart – adults have come so far from that stage in life. They clearly do not know the wicked yet wonderful world in which they have been born, and it’s so great watching them learn about it and teaching them how life works.

I see children with their parents at the store or at a school events constantly; children are all over. Sometimes they are shy and sometimes they cannot keep their mouth closed for more than a second – I have encountered both types. Either way, they’re adorable, whether it’s hiding from outsiders behind mom’s leg, or shouting things that their parents would rather they didn’t shout. Kids that shout things are typically the kids that make me think, “That kid would be so cool to hang out with!” and I laugh to myself, thinking about the slew of various other phrases that may surface. 

While I was perusing the Safeway redbox this Sunday afternoon, I was struck by something that a child said to his mother as they were passing through. Brian and I were just looking to see if there were any good movies in stock, and sadly, there were not. As I was searching through many titles, this woman and her child were conversing and Brian looked over at them as the child said something humorous. While I do not remember the child’s exact statement, I do remember that it seemed like such an incredibly classic thing for a kid to say to his mom, and that made both of us chuckle a bit. Kids are so funny and cute and so much fun.

As we move on from giggling at this classic statement and the mother is on her way through the sliding glass doors, she reverses and looks over at Brian with a fierce look. She whips back inside and harshly says, “Excuse me, could you stop staring and laughing at my child? I don’t appreciate you laughing at things that he says; he’s autistic. I hope that you have a wonderful Christmas!” Whoa. Her biting words were sharp and ice cold. As she hurriedly stormed outside into the cold wind, she shook her head and left us stunned.

My back was turned while this took place and Brian took the heat from her. Where did that come from? Nobody was laughing at her child or making fun of him in any way what so ever. Nobody was staring at him because he’s autistic, which we clearly needed to be made aware of. Nobody did anything hurtful to her or the child. I was unaware that is was wrong to enjoy children and the wonderful things that they say. She assumed that we were teasing her son for saying silly things and felt that it was imperative that we feel bad about it. She assumed that we wouldn’t be enjoying him so much if we knew he was autistic. She assumed we were Christian. 

Her assumptions made her build up a lot of hate towards us in those couple of seconds in passing. While we were enjoying her son’s company, she was loathing ours. The fact that she got so defensive so quickly makes me sad for her son – maybe he gets teased a lot at school and that is her natural reaction because she loves him and wants to protect him from hurt. There is no way for her to know that we weren’t teasing him or laughing at him because we thought he was stupid, but there was also no need to be so harsh and make herself seem “holier than thou” by wishing us a merry Christmas after so harshly condemning us for her misinterpretation for our chuckles. Ironically, we were chuckling because his statement was predictable and classic, not because it was out of the ordinary and strange – which is why she thought we were laughing. 

I hope that they have a merry Christmas and that she realizes that she won’t always be there to protect her baby. He seemed like a sweet kid in those brief moments that we were together, and he will be okay. Her reaction made sense due to the fact that there was no way for her to know that were aren’t mean spirited ignorant teenagers laughing at her son, we’re simply delighted by children and the wonderful things that they say. Her reaction made sense, but that doesn’t make it okay.

The “holier than thou” act was what really got me, though. Have a wonderful Christmas? Seriously? After attempting to make a person feel like poop, you find it okay to wish us a wonderful Christmas? It was very insulting. Imagine the irony if I were Jewish! What an insensitive comment to make after defending her son for the insensitive teenagers laughing at him. Not that I am Jewish… but she still tried to make herself seem better than the scum that we were assumed to be, by being equally as insensitive as she thought that we were! IRONY EVERYWHERE. Ridiculous. I wish I could’ve said back, “Actually, I’m Jewish. I celebrated a week ago. But a merry Christmas to you!” 

Imagine if I were to seriously get offended every time someone had asked me, “Why can’t your mom just drive to the school?” or “Can’t your mom do that?” and so on. Or how about ‘your mom’ jokes? “Your mom (insert verb here)!”  I would be a very hurt person. Uhm, no.. she can’t do that, actually. But am I going to get in your face about it and say, “Excuse me? My mother has MS. She’s in a wheelchair. So no, she actually can’t, but thanks for asking. Merry Christmas!” NO I most definitely am not. I am not going to assume that someone is mean-spirited and ignorant. I will never assume that! I am saddened that the mother I met in Safeway is clearly a very hurt person and I hope that she will one day be healed and not continually be hurt by things like her misinterpretation of Brian and I.

 

In This Club (FC)

 

Post-Club Shari's

 

So over break… I was working. Not too excessively but I logged about 15 hours at Kohl’s between black Thursday and last night. So it seemed like a lot, especially because I was working until the wee hours of the morning two different times. But I don’t work the rest of this week, which is pretty cool if you ask me.

I had Saturday night off. I had to do something fun! Brian’s family was celebrating their family Thanksgiving on Saturday because he and his sister spent REAL Thanksgiving with other families. So I turned to my friends who are so old, 18 years old, and not mormon.

I asked them if they wanted to do something that 18 year olds do! Like clubbing, hookah, piercings, tattoos, etc. We decided on clubbing, because it’s probably the healthiest option and the least damaging or permanent on our bodies. So Colton P., Nick B., Michaela G., and I headed down to Portland at about 10:30pm on Saturday and we were so ready to just dance like crazy!

The only thing we didn’t really realize was that we were walking into one the most culture shocking moments of our lives. We tried to anticipate what was ahead and talked about the crazy things we may see. Once we found that super awesome and so cheap eight dollar parking (insert eye roll), we walked up to the club like hot shots – shivering, wet, and scared.

We handed the bouncers our ID feeling pretty cool and want to know what he said? “Ninety five..?” Um, yes! We are allowed in, thank you! We are 18!

We walked in, not really sure what to do or where to go. As we gazed our virgin eyes upon the night scene… there were togas everywhere. This place is pretty classy! … well… the setting is. Nice tables and things. We found a nice 4 person table to sit at because there was no one dancing yet. The party didn’t even really start until about half an hour after we had been there.

Once the party started… I won’t describe the scene we witnessed. Being four white naive kids from Hockinson, we were so appalled by some dancing that we saw. Why do people feel comfortable doing such inappropriate things on a dance floor?!!?! Sure… it’s dark… but you are centimeters away from the people next to you. I don’t really wanna see you humping and grabbing one another like the hormone-enraged, uncontrollable teenagers that you are.

Needless to say… we felt pretty bad ass watching all of it. As gross as it was… it was a culturing experience. We danced for maybe 10 minutes, but again, we danced like the four white naive Hockinson kids that we are. It’s all in the arms! 😉 Once we got our fill of the club, we hit up Shari’s and had some nice pie and milkshakes to calm our nerves and minds and purify our souls and eyes.

PS Barclay totally had the ladies all over him after he did a backflip and we left him to suffer in the storm of ladies that swarmed post-backflip. It was so great.

PPS HYRUM WOULD HAVE KILLED HIMSELF.