I Still Feel Like A Freshman… (CRR)

Walking into the high school, I don’t notice how much the younger kids look up to me. I don’t notice how I walk through the office with ease and the whole staff knows my name. I don’t notice anything that really signifies the fact that I’ve been around for a while. The only reason I can recognize these things as I write this is because I am reflecting on my freshman year.

Looking back, the senior seemed so old and SO cool. I knew every single one of their names and there were around 5 that knew mine. I looked up to them so much and admired how they breezed through the school with ease and everything was so comfortable for them. They seemed like they had their whole lives together and had it all figured out and knew exactly where their life was going.

In reality, they were exactly where I am now. They were at this weird transition point in life where they were beginning to let go of everyone and everything they’ve known since kindergarden. They were figuring out where they were going to be spending these next few years of their lives outside of HHS. I always wonder though… did they still feel like freshmen? Like they had just gotten to the high school and now it’s over and suddenly it’s time to move on?

I’m very nervous for senior year and all that it has in store. I’ve never experienced anything different than Hockinson, which has been a wonderful blessing and a horrible curse all in one. The bittersweet long list of “lasts” will surely dwindle before I’m ready to let go and before I know it, I’ll be off at a university, attempting to mingle with people that I haven’t known my entire life. This year will surely be a busy one, which is why I have already made some goodbyes to things that I love. I am no longer learning the beautiful language of French, or learning the beautiful sounds of jazz on the alto saxophone. I am no longer a part of HHS drama or any of it’s productions for the 2013-2014 school year. I am still struggling with learning how to let go and not be sad it’s over, but glad that I had the chance to be a part of those things for when I was.

It’s also crazy to think that these things that I am nervous about are very closely related to things I am excited for. I’m excited for everything this year has to offer, from being the “top dogs” to seeing my peers and I finally being recognized for all that we’ve worked for these last few years. These recognitions can come in the form of a letter, a scholarship, an award, or a speech, but senior year is when these things become reality and light is finally shed on all of the hard work we’ve done behind the scenes. It will be a glorious year, and I can just feel it. It’s exciting that I still have an entire year left to hang out with my friends and continue building strong relationships with peers in my class.

I guess when it comes down to it, I’m not nervous for senior year. Truthfully, I’m nervous for the end. The end of all I’ve ever known. The end of my career in public education. My relationships with people will slowly fade as we drift into another chapter and soon it will all just be a memory. But that’s all the more reason to make this year so fun, so that those memories will be filled with great things, not my worrying nervous self.

While I still feel like a freshman… I’m not. I’m almost ready to leave, and I know that I will continue feeling “almost ready to leave” until months after I’m gone. Being nervous and excited and anxious all at the same time can be confusing but so exhilarating at the same time. This year will be a roller coaster… and that’s what I’m ready for.


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